Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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