Green mimosas i think yes
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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