Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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