so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
