can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Floor bacon is actually really good
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
