I could make wine with my vomit
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
