So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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