If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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