a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
