I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
accomplished twins. life is a go
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
