please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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