i think my tv is drunk
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
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