I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
