Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Oh god it's open bar.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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