chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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