the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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