Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
