i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
