worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
