I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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