She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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