I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
