Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
