I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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