I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
