Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
