There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize