I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize