I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You took a bar mat shot.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
