I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
