haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
