Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
