I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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