I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
