hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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