Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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