You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
