I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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