as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
