Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
