I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
