Me. At least after what I've been through.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize