Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
