I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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