How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
