I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
