Already got asked if we're dating
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
