I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
