my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
