my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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