This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
