somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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