I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
