I wish I could teleport
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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