I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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