Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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